Suicide in the Trenches

I knew a simple soldier boy
Who grinned at life in empty joy,
Slept soundly through the lonesome dark,
And whistled early with the lark.

In winter trenches, cowed and glum,
With crumps and lice and lack of rum,
He put a bullet through his brain.
No one spoke of him again.

You smug-faced crowds with kindling eye
Who cheer when soldier lads march by,
Sneak home and pray you'll never know
The hell where youth and laughter go.

- Siegfried Sassoon

   So, yeah, sorry I just replied to my recent comments. Last few weeks have been annoying, and this next week isn't going to get any better:

   Today is the year anniversary of my uncle's death. When it happened, it didn't really hit me until a few months ago, so I'm taking it a bit harder than I did when he actually did die. That makes no sense, I know.

   A family friend (my mom's childhood best friend) was diagnosed with brain cancer last month. She and her husband came to visit last weekend, and I saw how the cancer has been effecting her. She has no hair, and she looks weak. So, of course now that I spent a fun weekend with them, I'm feeling horrible about that. These two are just the sweetest couple, and she's supposed to die in six months. Not only is it horrible that a good woman like her die, but her husband doesn't deserve to lose her. 

   And frankly, I have no idea how my mom is handling all of this. In the last year, she's watched 3 colleagues/friends die (one had a sudden bone disease, one had a sudden heart attack and my mom (a nurse) had to try to perform CPR on her when she came into the hospital, and one was the one who was murdered a couple weeks ago), she lost her uncle, and she's watching her best friend die. I don't know how I would be handling it.

   And this is all just bothering me. And what's worse is that I have no one to talk to. It isn't a dilemma, so I can't be all, "can I talk to you?" to a friend, cause honestly, all I'd be doing is telling them facts, to which they'd say, "oh, that sucks". It's one of those things, where I really wish one of my friends would ask if I was alright, and then I could honestly answer, "no". I mean, today I gave one of my friends a ride to school, and she talked to me about a guy she has a crush on. Now, really, how am I supposed to bring up what's up with me when she's so happy? I'd just be bursting her bubble. But on the other hand, considering I've been there to listen to her constantly talk about this guy, would it really hurt her to ask about me? I'm always there to listen to my friends talk, why the fuck can't they be there for me?

   Ugh, I'm sorry. I'm just in a horrible mood. I'm going to post a new icon entry tomorrow, or something like that. Thanks for listening/reading/whatever. =)

   Ughhh...

   So yeah, I spend the whole week making pies with one of my clubs so that we can sell them at our town pumpkin festival this weekend. Yesterday was the one day that I needed everything to go right. I had SATs, and then I would be working at a booth at the festival. So what happens? I get sick. So I canceled the SATs and rescheduled them, because it's pointless to take a test when I'd be too busy sniffling and coughing and sneezing to focus on how I'd answer the questions. But yeah, so my throat doesn't hurt as much, but my nose is still sniffly and it, along with my upper lip, are going through the typical "after I have a runny nose that I rub with hundreds of tissues" feel, which basically feels like your face is made of leather. That's my life right now.

   But on a more basic note, there are certain types of people in this world. Some are plain bitches, some do whatever they want when they want, some help other constantly, you get the gist. I'm a person who is logical. I'm too logical. I don't get in many arguements, because I figure that it won't help me much at all. It'll make the other person madder, and will thus make what I'm trying to get ever harder for me to get. Don't get me wrong, I'm not like Brennen in Bones, cause in that case, I don't blame people for being bitchy to me. But I figure, hey, as long as the other person is satisfied, I shouldn't care about the end result. Well I realized yesterday, that despite my logical attitude that usually benefits the other person, I'm still treated like shit for it. I got up at 6 in the morning yesterday (after only 20 minutes of sleep for the whole night), feeling completely lousy (like, horribly lousy) but I went down to the school (not even my school) so that I could cancel them in person, instead of being an asshole who just doesn't show up and deley the testing. I go to talk to the people, and they bitchily tell me that I should have looked at the website, because they definately did (not) tell me that when I was told about the SATs. I smiled, and walked back to the car, which I don't even know if I parked it in the right spot or not cause they didn't give us any parking directions. This seems like a simple thing to get so pissy over, but it's basic times like these that just make me realize things like this. I mean really, what did I do wrong? I did the right thing. I did that, and then came home, couldn't sleep, and so felt lousy the rest of the day. I didn't get any benefit from that at all. I still have to take the SATs at some point. I dunno. I guess it's just that I wish I could fully bitch out at someone without worrying about how they'll react, or what the consequences will be. I really do.

   Sorry for ranting. I'm just really, really annoyed. And my family's being annoying.

   Random. Since I'm sick and can't sleep, all I've been doing is watching tv (cause I don't have enough concentration for reading). Since I have an iTouch, I've been watching youtube. Therefore watching old Nicktoons. I never realized just how much better they are than today's shows. I've always known, but still. I mean, they said 'crap' on one of the shows. Not that that makes it better, but this was before parents decided to bitch for every simple thing.

   Ugh, eff my life. Seriously.